Sometimes parents should be seen and not heard
Sometimes in sport parents should be seen and not heard
PUSHY parents and coaches are bad for sport.
I recently covered some of the Sciath na Scoil Hurling finals at Páirc Uí Rinn and was astounded at some of things going on behind me in the stands.
Apart from feeling somewhat uneasy at some of the ‘encouragement’ from parents on the line, I was stunned when one father roared at another father who was standing 20 yards away to berate him because that man’s son had not passed the sliothar to his son and instead, made an attempt at scoring, which drifted wide.
These children were being verbally harassed by not only their own parents, but Mams and Dads of other students who clearly felt winning was the only satisfactory outcome from the participation of their kids’ schools in this competition.
Clearly the days have evaporated when taking part was what counted, and, God forbid, that the kids might have fun.
Well, I suppose fun could be permitted, just as long as it didn’t come at the expense of victory.
I mean, in all fairness, we all want our kids to do well and on occasions we can be guilty of putting our failed ambitions onto their young shoulders by encouraging them into the fields that we never quite cut the grade at, but I really could never see myself slaughtering my own child for missing a point or for making a mistake on a sports field.
One principal, whose team had suffered defeat by a large margin, said “Parents should be banned from this” as his squad of tearful and dejected children were receiving post-match analysis by adults, who really should have known that an arm around the shoulder and a ‘Well done, son,’ was far more appropriate.
And another thing that irked me was how sub benches were so similar in terms of personnel at the end of the games as they were at the start.
Tight games led to a reluctance of managers to make changes and deviate from their strongest 15.
Again, I understand they are taking part to compete and hope to win, but surely all kids should get a run.
And you see this at club level too and it really annoys me.
Kids that turn up to training week in, week out, without fail and come the day of the big game, they get left on the bench in favour of the little starlets who have a natural flair and turn up when it suits them (or their parents).
Children should learn that if they don’t have the commitment to make it to training every week, then they won’t get the liberty of a starting jersey ahead of someone who does.
It sends out the wrong message and is so disheartening for a child who loves a sport but will never make it at top level participation.
By turning up to train they earn the right to play and if they cannot be accommodated with a starting jersey, then they should at least get a proper run in the game which is more than five or 10 minutes at the end, when the result is in the bag.
I think it’s awful to see kids togged out on the line, anxiously waiting for the call to duty, but because the game is tight and the coach cares more about winning than letting kids play, the youngster doesn’t get a minute on the playing field and is therefore isolated from the celebrations due to lack of participation.
By all means, when they get
older and the stakes are higher, they have to learn that ability dictates who will wear the starting jerseys but even at higher levels and older age groups, I still think it’s wrong for players that never turn up to training to get named in starting teams.
One of the real beauties about sport is that it teaches kids to win and lose with dignity and allows them to take hits and feel certain pain in order to succeed and achieve victory.
It also teaches them that no matter how good they’ve performed,
that things can just go against them on any given day and that’s a great lesson for them to carry into real life.
Sport provides a safe learning platform for kids, lessons that can really stand to them when it comes to handling the pressures that real life can present.
And while that’s largely positive, negative parenting and coaching can be so destructive.
Children’s self-esteem can be destroyed by pushy adults who condemn mistakes and failure.
By instilling a fear of failure, kids can become reluctant to try to achieve and that could ultimately cost them their love of a game.
Having coached an U10 soccer team in Kildare, the first thing I used to love to tell the kids when they turned up for their matches, was that until the final whistle they didn’t have to listen to their parents or do as they told them.
It went down a treat with the kids who only needed to follow their coach’s instructions.
Any mam or dad who has stood on a sideline will know exactly what I’m talking about when I say the roars and conflicting information from the many ‘parent-managers’ on the line leads to nothing but confusion for a kid on the ball.
Hearing parental calls that conflict with what comes to them naturally as a result of the instructions they have been given in training, confuses them and that ultimately leads to mistakes.
And then you’ll hear those same parents giving out to them for not getting it right.
I had a rule that if a child didn’t start one week, then they definitely started the next game and it ensured equality in the squad.
Not only did the weaker kids get to start but the stronger ones learned too that everyone had a right to play and had something to offer.
It created a brilliant team ethic and great respect among the whole squad.
I had to deal with pushy parents whose kids were excellent players and wanted answers as to why their ‘Junior Gerrard’ wasn’t starting.
Quite often the good kids can become cocky and even arrogant about their ability and entitlement to start ahead of others, and that too needs to be reined in.
And that brings me back to the Sciath na Scoil where I witnessed one of the most endearing pre-match team introduction routines I have ever seen at a kids sporting event.
Both panels lined up facing the press box and the supporters from their respective schools and families and friends.
The PA announcer called the name and squad number of each child before they stepped forward and waved to the applause and cheers of the crowd.
The kids were beaming with utter pride in doing it as each squad member was afforded their fleeting moment of glory regardless of whether they were starting or not.
There is nothing that makes a kid prouder than performing in front of his/her parents and peers and
perhaps parents and coaches should be a little more appreciative of the efforts their offspring make in their attempt to do something great on a sports field.
The confidence that comes from hearing: “Great effort, hard luck,” is so much more productive than questioning a child’s failed attempt at glory.
By not making them fear failure, you give them the freedom to try things that will make them brilliant, and that can often mean letting go of your own fear of failure.
The next time you stand on the line as a proud parent, remember to actually be what you want to be… and that’s proud.